10 Day Avail

listening to charmed actors complain about their lives can be annoying. trust me i hear it all the time, but allow me to take this minute to describe to you just how fucked up it can be. i had an audition on January 15th that went swimmingly for a small little company called Altoids. since you can never tell what these people want you just try and move on with your life after youve poured out your sould in a room. cause thats what i do, nothing is half assed. knowing what day the callback was scheduled for, once that day passes you can usually let go and move on. i was super busy with many other projects at the time, so i didnt put my eggs in this basket so to speak. then out of nowhere, 15 days after the initial audition date, BAM! callback. i was excited because it seemed like a fun spot. i had to rap a song of my choice for the original audition and i of course chose a classic method man song that references pussy more than once. the callback asked us to write our own rap and then around 9:00pm the night before they released a song/rap that they wanted us to learn. i did as much pre-work as i could and managed to get to the audition early. there was a cd that was on repeat of the song they wanted us to sing. i was determined to book this. i went in and charmed the room and blew the socks off the song. after a few adjustments, as they thanked me, i offered to rap the piece i had written. too much? maybe, you never know what is too much. you know they want to see your personality, but you dont want to look desperate. i realized i had one more chance to hook them so i did my rap. they liked it and had me do it again. i left, feeling good. i wanted this commercial. less than 4 hours later they called and put me on avail. this is where shit gets tricky. being on avail means you are made available for the shoot date. meaning if you book something else, this project has first right to use you. avail is a good thing, cause in theory it means you and maybe 1 or 2 other people are up for the spot. but the emotions that come along with being put on avail are what kill you. first of all, you start spening money you dont have. luckily commercials are jackpots. being sooo poor all the time and knowing that with one phone call you can make some serious cash is tough. its like when people go crazy after winning th lotto. if fucks with your head. then theres the fact that this spot could be a big success so it could in theory really change your career. then you think about how calling home to your family down south with th egreat news will make everyones day. then theres braggibg rights, and of course validation, because we need as actors is a little FUCKING validation that we shpuld keep doin this to oursellves. dragging ourselves thru the mud day after day just to have somebody in a room that doesnt know anything about you tell you that you arent good enough. this was my thought process for 12 days of avail. then today my agent calls and says 'sorry. youve been released' without acknoledging what youve been going through. now, i know its not rocket science and i know there is some real shit going on in the world. but sometimes i just gotta bitch about it because it rips me apart. the highs and lows of the artists are beautiful and hideous. but all we can do is forge ahead. i choose not to be bitter. i choose to be happy for whoever booked the spot. and i choose to hang on even tighter to the handle bars of this endeavor. beacuse after all, i chose to be here. namaste and blessing s to everone out there and may success find all of us.